Misunderstood

By Lynnze Martinsen

It’s been a minute since I’ve taken the analytic cap off in exchange for some quality time with the creative cap – for a lot of reason, but nonetheless, the creative cap is on this evening, and I’m glad to be here.

The feeling of being misunderstood popped up for me last night as I sat with a resident in her apartment. A resident who was over-stimulated by the noise and commotion of our Oktoberfest celebration. As the band joyfully played and the voices and the ambiance filled the air, out of the corner of my eyes, I happened to catch this resident in distress. She was covering her ears and intently staring at a boisterous individual across the table who was enjoying the festivities. It quickly transpired to an outburst where this resident began yelling at this cheery individual to “Shut up!” It had become too much for her.

In knowing how events as such affect certain residents, I knew it was necessary to intervene and help her find a place of less stimulation. I assisted her in determining what the was – she chose the safe space of her apartment. We walked down the hallway to her apartment, and when approaching her door, I asked her if it was okay if I opened the door for her. I then asked her if she wanted company for a little bit or if she wanted to be alone. She asked if I would stay, and of course, I felt honored to sit in her presence.

In sitting with her, I tried asking questions to find out what she wanted or needed, nothing of which seemed to be a solution, so I just sat there in silence with her. I matched her laborious breathing and sent calming, comforting energy to her whole body. I, then, felt myself getting emotional. How scary must it be to try and express your needs and have them go misunderstood and unmet?

All this equated and brought up the many times in my life I’ve felt misunderstood or unheard. It feels heavy. It’s lonely. It’s dark. And, it can feel hopeless. On the flip side, when someone “gets” you, it feels the exact opposite – freeing, uplifting, joyful, secure. It feels like the world is your oyster, and there’s nothing stopping you from getting it! Ammiright?!

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” – Wendy Mass

So what can we do to help each other feel more “oysterous”? I’m asking myself this same question as I ask you. I think it boils down to a few things:

Listening

Yeah, this means stop talking or waiting for a pause in conversation so you can throw in your own two cents. Listening requires you to [obviously] not talk. Get comfortable with not talking so you can hear AND comprehend what another is saying. Validate their feelings and identifying what they told you by repeating it back.

Listening requires you to pay attention, not only to words spoken or the tone of voice but to body language. What do they say, 93% of communication is non-verbal? If you’re thinking the same thing I am, that’s a pretty high percentage, yet how often do we pay attention to this? That’s A LOT of opportunities given for the insight into how another is feeling. To me, this means we have so many chances to uplift another just by getting outside ourselves and paying attention. And a secret….it’s absolutely free to do!

Your Presence is Enough

I don’t know about you, but opening up and sharing my feelings isn’t the easiest thing. I think that’s called “being vulnerable.” If I actually summon the courage to share my heart with someone and then have them jump in and tell me what I need to do or have them try to soothe me without understanding my feelings, it doesn’t sit well with me. It doesn’t make me open up, but instead, it makes me retreat to my familiar space of shutting down and hiding. I’m so sure you know exactly what I am speaking about.

Let’s be honest, when we share our feelings, all we want is someone to be there for us, to hear us out. We don’t need someone to tell us what to do because we already know what we need to do. When you understand your presence is enough, you create a safe space for someone to BE vulnerable which in turn allows them to share their feelings.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” – Brene Brown

Do your work

In order to do number one and two above, you have to do your work. What does doing your work mean? It means digging deep into yourself and finding out why you function the way you do. It means stop running and distracting yourself so you can quiet yourself enough for self-inquiry to even realized the beliefs, judgments, prejudices you developed from a young age that are still running havoc in your life and keeping you in separation of humanity.

In understanding yourself, you are able to understand another. You will look in the eyes of another and see yourself, no matter race, sex, age, sexual orientation, ethnicity, political views, or religion beliefs. You will understand that everyone and thing in this entire universe is ALL connected. And when you are able to unconditionally love yourself, you will be able to unconditionally love another. When you can sit in silence with yourself, you’ll be able to sit in silence with another without the need to “do” something because of your own discomfort. So, DO YO’ WORK PEOPLE!

I challenge you as I challenge myself to see how we can better understand ourselves so we can understand each other.

Peace & Love ❤